my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
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What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize