I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
