I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
