I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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