Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
