I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
