I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
