Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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