He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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