That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
