I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
