Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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