she woke up with a sticky ear
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
