I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
