then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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