You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
