I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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