The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
