Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
