Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
