just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
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They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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