How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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