i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
