Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
