i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
