Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...