woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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