I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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