Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
