pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
