Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
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so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
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Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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