if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
