Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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