If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
