I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
