I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
