I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
