I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
