dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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