Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
