id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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