i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So. Much. Porn.
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