I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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