Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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