Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
