i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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