If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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