Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
