Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
