i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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