i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION