My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.