God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think i got beer on your cat.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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