If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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