I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
