i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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