just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
