hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
